No rules on grieving

This page is to hopefully add some insite to what our family has experienced and possibly help someone else who might also be grieving.  The  following page will allow Gordon, Abbi and myself to share what our grief is all about.  As a momma who lost a Daddy when he was 57 yrs young, I thought I had experienced grief.  After Somer went home I very quickly realized that I had never really experienced the emotion of grief.  Losing a child is so different from anything I could ever imagine.  I was even foolish enough to think that I could prepare myself for her death.  I know that God did not give her cancer, but I still find myself questioning , trying to reason or to make some sense as to why.  Of course I haven't found an answer and the unfortuanate thing is that the one cancer that the doctors know very little about is brain cancer. My definition of grief is the loss of someone or something in life.  Grief can take on the form of both physical and or emotional.  When Somer was first diagnosed in 2001, we all grieved.  Once Somer began to lose her hair, she grieved over the loss, and when her seizures were coming so frequently, she lost the privilege to drive.  She then again grieved over the loss of her freedom.  But as time went on and after several surgeries, radiation, etc, the doctors were very optimistic however also very cautious about not letting our guard down.  Gordon and I would often discuss the "what ifs" and very rationally discussed even death, funeral and even how we would know when to give up on treatments.  Somehow we thought we had a handle on what we would most likely face one day.  We were so far from reality.  The one thing I can tell you about the rules of grief is, " There are no rules".  For some reason people think that we should put a time limit on how long we grieve.  Grief is not like a switch that you can turn on and off.  When you lose a child, just when you think things are getting back to normal, someone you haven't seen in a while will ask how you are doing, or you hear a song that reminds you of that child and the waves of tears start again.  I do find myself getting back to doing the things I once enjoyed, but for me, I know my life is forever changed.  I love our youngest daughter just as much as I do Somer, but I long to give Somer the same hugs that I am so very privileged to give Abbi.  I want to see her sweet smile that greeted me every morning.   It's ok to ask why, it's ok to talk about that child, it's ok to display their picture, it's ok to celebrate their birthdays.  The one thing I am finding very difficult to deal with is family pictures, because one of my children is missing.  Its also difficult to sit at the dinner table because there is an empty chair.

As I have said, there are no rules on grieving.  Yesterday Aug. 15 I suddenly became so overwhelmed by that dark cloud that grief sometimes causes.  I had gone to church, gone out to eat with Gordon and Abbi and suddenly, without warning I started to cry.  I think strangely enough the weekends are the hardest, especially Sundays.  Somer had such a beautiful voice and even though alot of times, she would not sit with us, I made a point to sit close enough to her that I could hear her sing.  Alot of times I remember stopping my singing so that I could hear Somer's voice above everyone elses.  Somer always made sure to come up and give me and her Dad a hug during the worship services.  Those memories are so very special to me.  If you are a parent reading this, make sure you hug your children.  If you are a child, make sure you hug your parents. And hey, here is an idea!!!  Wife have you hugged your hubby today?  Or Hubby have you hugged your wife?  Well what are you waiting on?  Try it, they'll probably think you are up to something. ( snicker, snicker!)  God doesnt promise us how long He will allow us to stay here.  And yes it is "God's" choice as to how long we are here on this earth. 

Today is Sept. 8 and it is also our Abigail's 9th birthday.  We've been celebrating with her for almost a month.  She wanted a pool party and with the Alabama weather, you never can tell this time of yr if it will be warm.  We had a pool party 2 wks ago, then last week celebrated with cousins in B'ham and today on her true birthday, she is celebrating at school and with Gordon and myself.  Last yr. was very different.  The cancer was back and Somer was so very sick.  It was on Sept 9 that we made that long journey with Somer to St. Judes for the last time.  I was thinking yesterday about gifts for Abbi.  Your mind plays some cruel tricks on you.  The only present I could think of that would be perfect, was to have Somer come walking through the door with her sweet smile and big hugs that she loved to give.  I know Somer is rejoicing in heaven and having the time of her life, but oh how I miss her.  She always made such a big deal over Abbi's birthday or anyone else's.  One yr, her friend from B'ham had a birthday.  She and Somer always celebrated together.  Somer couldn't join her party, so for her gift, she gave her a party in a box.  She filled a box with balloons, streamers, hats, cups, plates, etc and attached a note with it.  With Somer, it couldnt be just a present she was buying.  She would spend weeks thinking about that person and start searching for the perfect gift.  Somer never could spend alot of money but it always came straight from the heart.  Somer always took Abbi out for a girls night on or around her birthday.  Momma's and Daddy's cherish those precious children that God has loaned us for a little while.  Make them know every day just how special they are!  And tell them about Jesus.  Take them to church and bring them up knowing that not only do they have a mom and dad who loves them, but a Heavenly Father who loves them!  And pray for your children.  Abbi is such a sweet girl.  She is so smart and I love her hugs.  Ever notice how genuine the love of a child is?